Friday, March 18, 2011

Intimate Relationships - The Right Fit

Intimate Relationships - The Right Fit

Do you have the right fit in your intimate relationship? Do you complement each other or do you comply, fix, control, please, each other? If and when you are most of the time complying, fixing, controlling, and pleasing your significant other; that's co-dependency.

When you communicate with each other is it reactive or is your communication responsive? Are you somewhat or highly co-dependent in your relationship. Are you both as one with yourselves as possible and communicate with each other for the most part as whole human beings?

If your communication is reactive then your communication comes from suppressed feelings, hurt, unfulfilled needs, and traumatized feelings reflective of emotions that have taken the form of unaware unhealthy behavior patterns that result in reactions to each other. The reactions are unhealthy and mostly likely cause conflict and unhappiness.

Many people just stay in these relationships usually because of their fear which prevents them from leaving them. There are few individuals in these reactive relationships that decide to reach out and seek clarity as to why they react to each other and not respond to each other. Usually, the reason is suppressed feelings of the emotion of fear.

There are several reasons for reactive relationships. For one, participants have fallen into the pattern of reflecting each others neediness with the hope of filling their unfulfilled needs. For two, the pattern of reaction has become common place, compulsive, imprinted, ingrained, and hard wired. The participants are just use to reacting to each other instead of recognizing the need to go within and address their unfulfilled needs. Also, people are afraid of becoming lonely or just experiencing solitud and the pain that bubbles up from its experience. They would rather stay in an unhealthy releationship.

In any healthy relationship the partners recognize, acknowledge the existence of issues. Partners learn about their own issues. They stay alert, and aware of their own issues and find ways to effectively, efficiently, with discipline to process them again, again, again, and again. If and when issues are to be resolved; the feelings reflective of the emotions underlying the issues most be processed with zest and enthusiasm!

Unfortuntely, denial is just too common. It seems to be the rule and common to the human experience. Humankind compensates for reality by small talk, by displacing their feelings reflective of their aunthentic emotions with inauthentic behaviors. It's just easier to stay unreal instead of addressing feelings reflective of emotions that reflect issues.

What is your personality dynamic with yourself and in your relationship with others. Do you come from a loving space of kindness in setting boundaries for yourself and other? Are you consistent in your processing your stess and distress so that you stay connected to your higher power? These are just some questions for you to ponder.

Please check out and purchase my books on the side panel. I'm available for presentations, for fees, and expenses or counseling over the phone at 619-584-8093.

Joel V. BA. Education, BBA. Business Admin. M.A. Masters in Psychology, Human Behavior.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Unwarranted Guilt - It's Time to Set Boundaries

Unwarranted Guilt - It's Time to Set Boundaries

Have you ever felt guilty? There are many reasons one experiences guilt. Guilt hurts. Guilt is more of a sensation than it is a feeling. Though, one can very well have feelings of guilt.

There are many reasons why an individual experiences guilt. Perhaps you just couldn't be there for another person emotionally. Perhaps you were "made" to feel guilty by another person. Of course, one can buy into feeling guilt through intimidation. If you were "made" to feel guilty then perhaps you bought into another persons judgement of you? The above examples are unwarranted guilt and require and individual to set cognitive, spiritual, and emotional boundaries for themselves.

It's important for individuals to realize when they internalize unwarranted guilt. If and when a person does so it's co-dependence. They need to realize that they must set boundaries in their thinking and therefore their emotions so that they do not internalize the guilt and experience self-invalidation and lower self-esteem. It can be quite a challenge expecially with your family of origin. Your indigenous family may have laid guilt upon and in you.

There are certain important co-dependent themes that are triggered. A person needs to realize that only he/she could empower themselves to take charge of their own lives. He/She could make the necessary changes that would impact their own lives. For example, becoming alert to and aware of when to set boundaries for themselves in their thinking, and in their feeling.

It becomes emotionally difficult to set boundaries with someone who you love. It becomes difficult to watch someone you love continually hurt themselves. It becomes difficult to watch them destroy themselves. The guilt and the helplessness becomes overwhelming when you don't realize that you are "powerless over others behaviors".

It's at these times it becomes urgent to set firm boundaries for oneself, firm emotional boundaries and to use self talk, to firmly say stop to oneself. We can also use our connection to our higher power to set boundaries for ourselves.

I need to stay concious of my thoughts regarding caring about others. I need to say "stop" to myself in my thinking if and when I begin to have too many thoughts regarding my caring. When I stay conscious of my thoughts I can eliminate my emotional involvement. I validate myself. I think well of myself. This is healthy and common sense.

Please check out and purchase my books on the side panels. I'm available for counseling and consulting worldwide. I'm also available for presentation. My contact information is on my website at

Joel V. BA. Education, BBA. Business Admin. M.A. Master's of Psychology, Human Behavior.